Thursday, 30 December 2010

Right path, wrong path, yippety yay

I'm sure many people are familiar with the disparity between their internal and external life. Many will have a decent job, a loving partner, lots of friends, somewhere nice to live, hobbies they enjoy, blah blah blah, but will still feel empty inside, as though life itself has no real meaning. We've all heard of successful people who've gone off the rails, even to the point of suicide, and of outwardly happy and confident people who are wracked with near-crippling insecurities.

Me? I'm becoming more and more aware of the feeling that I'm on the flipside of the coin: I'm working a part-time job and trying incredibly hard to find something else as I have sizeable debts to repay, I'm single and have little hope of finding a girlfriend in the near future (no money = no socialising and therefore no chance to meet anyone), I never achieve any of the goals I set for myself (learning to speak better French, losing weight, getting fitter, etc.) and whenever I do something to try to improve the situation it all tends to backfire and actually make things worse (see my entry entitled "Can't win for losing" for more on that). Everything external/tangible has either gone wrong or was wrong in the first place and has got worse.

And yet...

And yet I feel with ever-increasing certitude that I'm on the right path, that everything is going to turn out well and my current low point is nothing but a minor blip on the way to the top of the mountain. I don't think I'll have much in the way of external trappings of success but I feel I'm on the way to greater things and only time will tell if those things include the house on the hill or the room in the sanitorium...

No comments: