Sunday morning and the first train out of Plymouth is delayed by over 30 minutes due to a mechanical fault that means the driver can't disengage the brake - cue train manager walking back and forth with increasing agitation until the train starts up and we all get to breathe a little easier.
Meanwhile the two women sat behind me had been chatting incessantly and from their talk I guessed one was much younger than the other. It turned out I was wrong: they were of a similar age, it's just that one was obviously much less emotionally mature than the other. Apart from the usual petty chit-chat about other people, regularly interspersed with criticisms of their behaviour, there was one comment that I found so utterly contemptuous I could have slapped the soppy tart who said it if only I could have stopped myself from laughing out loud at the same time.
They were looking at text messages on a mobile and the comment was "Why does hers have that little blue arrow on it? No-one else's does." The tone of voice implied that the woman who'd sent the message had been showing off by attaching a blue arrow to the icon of her text messages. When the recipient of the text said "Oh, no - that just means I've replied to her" there was a brief pause followed by the sound of rusty cogs grinding into unaccustomed movement and then the tentative and somewhat disappointed reply, "Does it?"
At that point I prayed the useless bitch was sterile.
Sunday, 12 September 2010
Saturday, 11 September 2010
I just don't get it - part 1
Yes, part one because there are so many things I just don't get.
This one is about behavioral patterns, so I should imagine there'll be more repetitions of this than anything else. What I don't get is this: the grown woman who behaves like a spoilt child - you know, the one who talks like a gobby teenager mouthing off to her parents or like a petulant idiot who thinks everything revolves around her. The one who's raison d'etre seems to be attention-seeking, who takes her bad mood out on those around her (while claiming that not only does she not do it but other people do) and who is incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. Then there's the bloke who always has to push things - he likes to wind people up and will joke around as much as possible, even to the point of upsetting others. He's the guy who'll ask if you want a drink and, on hearing 'no', will always ask 'are you sure?' - not because he's interested in buying you a drink, but because he knows the question (repeated if necessary) will annoy you and that's what he likes.
The 'woman' is obviously still a spoilt 12-year-old used to being Daddy's Little Princess, emotionally speaking, and the 'man' maybe around 14 and conversely likes to play power games with Daddy, although I know someone aged 15 who's been a wind-up merchant since the age of around 7 and I know full well it's down to his parents. The questions that arise from this, for me, are: why do some people get stuck in particular behavioral patterns from their childhood? What is it that anchors people to a point in their past? Some people have a traumatic experience that acts as their anchor - maybe all of them (us?) do, or maybe the experience doesn't even have to be traumatic to be the thing that holds a person still, stops their growth, fixes them at a point in time. What happens to people to cause this arrested development? How many people are even aware of that part (those parts?) of themselves that remain unchanged from childhood? How many have even the vaguest clue how little of their potential they're going to fulfil thanks to that one thing holding them back?
For me, the most important question is typically selfish: what's mine?
This one is about behavioral patterns, so I should imagine there'll be more repetitions of this than anything else. What I don't get is this: the grown woman who behaves like a spoilt child - you know, the one who talks like a gobby teenager mouthing off to her parents or like a petulant idiot who thinks everything revolves around her. The one who's raison d'etre seems to be attention-seeking, who takes her bad mood out on those around her (while claiming that not only does she not do it but other people do) and who is incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. Then there's the bloke who always has to push things - he likes to wind people up and will joke around as much as possible, even to the point of upsetting others. He's the guy who'll ask if you want a drink and, on hearing 'no', will always ask 'are you sure?' - not because he's interested in buying you a drink, but because he knows the question (repeated if necessary) will annoy you and that's what he likes.
The 'woman' is obviously still a spoilt 12-year-old used to being Daddy's Little Princess, emotionally speaking, and the 'man' maybe around 14 and conversely likes to play power games with Daddy, although I know someone aged 15 who's been a wind-up merchant since the age of around 7 and I know full well it's down to his parents. The questions that arise from this, for me, are: why do some people get stuck in particular behavioral patterns from their childhood? What is it that anchors people to a point in their past? Some people have a traumatic experience that acts as their anchor - maybe all of them (us?) do, or maybe the experience doesn't even have to be traumatic to be the thing that holds a person still, stops their growth, fixes them at a point in time. What happens to people to cause this arrested development? How many people are even aware of that part (those parts?) of themselves that remain unchanged from childhood? How many have even the vaguest clue how little of their potential they're going to fulfil thanks to that one thing holding them back?
For me, the most important question is typically selfish: what's mine?
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Eavesdrop - probably the first of many.
Neighbours in the back garden chatting. 2 friends have been to India independently - one loves it, one hates it. One trots out what he knows is a clichéd story of a gifted child who started his education in a hut and gradually rose to become a consultant radiologist. He includes the factoid that at the age of 6 he had to walk 5 kilometres to get to the 'school' for which his family all chipped in as his parents couldn't afford it on their own. The female companion of one of them comes out with the 'kids in this country wouldn't walk to school' bullshit and then my interest disappears as rapidly as the rather cute woman's head buried itself up her pert little backside. It's far too easy to vomit out trite, sneering cynicism, especially when directed at a group you have no direct contact with or experience of. Such a shame; to be unable to avoid clichés even from people who at first glance are intelligent and worldly. Still, as repeatedly pointed out in John Brunner's “The Shockwave Rider”; intelligence can be engineered, wisdom cannot, and it's wisdom we need.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
The memoirs of Sherlock Holmes – part 1.
Sunday: As is my custom, I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast whilst scouring The Times for interesting tidbits and occasionally closing my eyes the better to hear the melodious sound of church bells drifting through the windows which had been flung open to the London air. During the afternoon I smoked pipe after pipe of a delicate Chinese tobacco whilst perfecting the second movement of Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D Major. A light supper was swiftly followed by early retirement as the previous days had been somewhat taxing.
Monday: Nothing happened so by mid-afternoon I was bored to death and shot up a gram of Charlie.
Tuesday: Still nothing. Another gram of Charlie. Then another as the first didn't take. Then it got a bit out of hand so I did some skag to bring myself down again.
Thursday: Just woke up – must remember never to do the C&H dance again.
Friday: Watson came storming in and declared there was an intriguing mystery with which I could exercise my deductive skills and exorcise my boredom. Spent half an hour explaining the difference between deductive and inductive reasoning to the ignorant twat YET AGAIN. Got him to write it down this time. Jesus, you'd think a doctor would have more brains.
Saturday: A couple of hours training at the boxing club helped alleviate the tedium of the week and allowed some much-needed practice of the overhead lob punch – most useful when having ducked a blow from a powerful assailant. A relaxing afternoon at the Turkish baths ensued - thankfully they were populated only by the regulars who have by now learned that my lack of feminine company is due to being completely asexual and not a left-footer. In the evening I attended the theatre and then met Watson at the club for brandy and a cigar before a companionable stroll along the river during which I solved the 'mystery' he'd introduced on Friday. Jordan is a multi-millionaire because she does have a talent: she's incredibly adept at drawing attention to herself. Simple-minded men like her because she's a caricature of overt sexuality and therefore excellent spank-bank material. Simple-minded women like her for the same reason they like soap-operas – they're a distraction from the tedium and emptiness of their own lives. People of her ilk bloom in the sunshine of public attention so there's no escaping her, you just have to wait for her to become so boring everyone ignores her – then she'll wither away into grateful obscurity.
Monday: Nothing happened so by mid-afternoon I was bored to death and shot up a gram of Charlie.
Tuesday: Still nothing. Another gram of Charlie. Then another as the first didn't take. Then it got a bit out of hand so I did some skag to bring myself down again.
Thursday: Just woke up – must remember never to do the C&H dance again.
Friday: Watson came storming in and declared there was an intriguing mystery with which I could exercise my deductive skills and exorcise my boredom. Spent half an hour explaining the difference between deductive and inductive reasoning to the ignorant twat YET AGAIN. Got him to write it down this time. Jesus, you'd think a doctor would have more brains.
Saturday: A couple of hours training at the boxing club helped alleviate the tedium of the week and allowed some much-needed practice of the overhead lob punch – most useful when having ducked a blow from a powerful assailant. A relaxing afternoon at the Turkish baths ensued - thankfully they were populated only by the regulars who have by now learned that my lack of feminine company is due to being completely asexual and not a left-footer. In the evening I attended the theatre and then met Watson at the club for brandy and a cigar before a companionable stroll along the river during which I solved the 'mystery' he'd introduced on Friday. Jordan is a multi-millionaire because she does have a talent: she's incredibly adept at drawing attention to herself. Simple-minded men like her because she's a caricature of overt sexuality and therefore excellent spank-bank material. Simple-minded women like her for the same reason they like soap-operas – they're a distraction from the tedium and emptiness of their own lives. People of her ilk bloom in the sunshine of public attention so there's no escaping her, you just have to wait for her to become so boring everyone ignores her – then she'll wither away into grateful obscurity.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
A train journey
Now that I'm commuting from Plymouth to Exeter anything up to 5 days a week I have stories aplenty of the inconsiderate behaviour of some passengers and I've already amassed a small entry entitled 'twats on trains' that I'll post at some point. However, the train journey that is the subject of this post was a trip away to attend a friend's wedding and visit other friends over the course of a long weekend. The journey itself was one of those long trips that inspired many hours of gazing wistfully out of the window whilst listening to music, allowing my mind to wander over the exterior landscape and thoughts of the people I'd be seeing, some of whom I hadn't seen for years. I decided to note things down as they came to me - they fall into three groups: Sights (S), Thoughts (T), Others (O).
Plymouth to Paddington:
S - Sun rising over the viaduct on the approach to Ivybridge
S - Boats in the Exe Estuary
S - Topsham houses through the morning haze
S - The pond in Tiverton (near Parkway station)
S - Lone tree in a field of slowly ripening wheat
O - Chinese students in my carriage talking quietly - sounds so musical I wish I understood Mandarin
T - I love her
T - East/West? Torn in two directions (London and Devon)
S - The school in Taunton
T - Tori Amos sends me the same way as The Tea Party
T - X, I love you
S - Cows loping across a field
S - Swan floating on a small winding river
S - Yellow-green wheat fields surrounded by dark green hedges, both dotted with dark green trees
S - Field of cows, some black & white, some brown & white, some with collars
S - At a station an Asian man greets a woman with a huge smile and an arm around her shoulders
S - Bowl-shaped depression in a maize field, directly under a tree - less sunlight there?
S - People moving carriages because they want to face forwards
T - I can't wait to see L & C
S - Gentle morning sun on dappled fields & cosy country houses. Welcome to The Shire!
S - Lady cyclist on a B-road
T - Fishing with Dad on Kithira
S - Pigs frolicking in a field of weeds
O - Tori Amos lyric: But I was alone when I knew it was real (song: Crazy)
T - I can't wait to see her
T - I'm constantly amazed by the powerful emotions evoked by beauty
Second train: London Victoria to Herne Bay
O - chatted to some really cool people who were going to fly from Biggin Hill to somewhere in Northern France as a day-trip!
T - Some things are only visible when your eyes are shut.
As I was noting these observations etc. down I also had a rather whimsical series of desires arise. They all begin with the phrase 'I want' so....
I want...
...to walk the empty city streets on a gently rain-swept autumn evening
...watch the sun rise over the Georgian houses of Topsham
...drink red wine while listening to flamenco at an outside cafe in Southern Spain, all on an autumn evening after having visited the Alhambra during the day
...look into her eyes and lose myself in the bliss of a kiss
...see New York
...wrap my arms around her and feel her pressed against me
Plymouth to Paddington:
S - Sun rising over the viaduct on the approach to Ivybridge
S - Boats in the Exe Estuary
S - Topsham houses through the morning haze
S - The pond in Tiverton (near Parkway station)
S - Lone tree in a field of slowly ripening wheat
O - Chinese students in my carriage talking quietly - sounds so musical I wish I understood Mandarin
T - I love her
T - East/West? Torn in two directions (London and Devon)
S - The school in Taunton
T - Tori Amos sends me the same way as The Tea Party
T - X, I love you
S - Cows loping across a field
S - Swan floating on a small winding river
S - Yellow-green wheat fields surrounded by dark green hedges, both dotted with dark green trees
S - Field of cows, some black & white, some brown & white, some with collars
S - At a station an Asian man greets a woman with a huge smile and an arm around her shoulders
S - Bowl-shaped depression in a maize field, directly under a tree - less sunlight there?
S - People moving carriages because they want to face forwards
T - I can't wait to see L & C
S - Gentle morning sun on dappled fields & cosy country houses. Welcome to The Shire!
S - Lady cyclist on a B-road
T - Fishing with Dad on Kithira
S - Pigs frolicking in a field of weeds
O - Tori Amos lyric: But I was alone when I knew it was real (song: Crazy)
T - I can't wait to see her
T - I'm constantly amazed by the powerful emotions evoked by beauty
Second train: London Victoria to Herne Bay
O - chatted to some really cool people who were going to fly from Biggin Hill to somewhere in Northern France as a day-trip!
T - Some things are only visible when your eyes are shut.
As I was noting these observations etc. down I also had a rather whimsical series of desires arise. They all begin with the phrase 'I want' so....
I want...
...to walk the empty city streets on a gently rain-swept autumn evening
...watch the sun rise over the Georgian houses of Topsham
...drink red wine while listening to flamenco at an outside cafe in Southern Spain, all on an autumn evening after having visited the Alhambra during the day
...look into her eyes and lose myself in the bliss of a kiss
...see New York
...wrap my arms around her and feel her pressed against me
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Can't win for losing
Balls. It's been so long since I wrote anything I'd forgotten that my last entry was a whinge. That's annoying - this one's a whinge too. "Can't win for losing" is a thoroughly self-pitying phrase and that's normally enough for me to avoid it but right now I'm at work, tired, angry and wishing I was asleep instead so I'm indulging myself a little.
When is a 3-month contract not a 3-month contract? When you only get regular shifts for the first month, nothing for the second month and then a total of 11.25 hours in the third month. I'd been looking for another job for over 14 months and in that time had had a total of three interviews but no new job. Having asked for feedback from a few applications where I hadn't even been shortlisted I aimed a little lower so as to get my foot in the door of library-based work. It worked - I landed a temporary job as a library porter where the work was to be done overnight in short (4.25- to 5.25-hour) shifts in Plymouth. The odd hours meant reducing the hours of my 'day' job so that neither role was adversely affecting the other. It then became very obvious that it'd be more convenient to live in Plymouth, thus making the journey into the 'night' work much easier and all the real commuting could be done during those few short days I had at the shop in Exeter. I moved in two stages: one large car-load on Sunday followed by one small car-load on Wednesday. That Wednesday I also came back to Exeter on the train to collect my bike. On the train back to Plymouth I got a message from the temporary staff bank at Exeter Uni offering me some temporary work in their library to help with the usual summer book-movement. At the time I thought the irony of that was quite funny. A day later, when I discovered the truth about my 3-month contract, the joke died.
Meanwhile I'd just committed myself to sharing a new house with a couple of friends who of course have chosen a bigger house than they otherwise would have had and won't be able to afford it without me there. I'm pleased to be sharing a place with good friends I've known for years but now I can't just drop everything and disappear back to London where jobs are much easier to come by. I've already begun job-hunting even though I'm currently working two jobs and have been in Plymouth for less than a week as I'm now consigned to asking for more hours at the Exeter job and commuting up there every day at least during June. How funny is that - by moving house to reduce the amount of time and money I'd spend commuting I've inadvertently increased it instead.
So, the initial idea that three months of library-based work in Plymouth to give me some initial library-based work experience, get access to internal vacancies and of course to earn some extra money to help me claw back some of my debt has basically collapsed and now I may well be a lot worse off by the end of June. I know a change was necessary as I was stagnating in Exeter but would have preferred it all to be a change for the fucking better. Maybe next time.
I had a despondent moment earlier when I thought about all the bad decisions I've made in terms of jobs, places to live, and girlfriends, but that's a whole entry by itself and there's been enough bleating for one night. Let's just end with a nice little quote from Fight Club: It's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
When is a 3-month contract not a 3-month contract? When you only get regular shifts for the first month, nothing for the second month and then a total of 11.25 hours in the third month. I'd been looking for another job for over 14 months and in that time had had a total of three interviews but no new job. Having asked for feedback from a few applications where I hadn't even been shortlisted I aimed a little lower so as to get my foot in the door of library-based work. It worked - I landed a temporary job as a library porter where the work was to be done overnight in short (4.25- to 5.25-hour) shifts in Plymouth. The odd hours meant reducing the hours of my 'day' job so that neither role was adversely affecting the other. It then became very obvious that it'd be more convenient to live in Plymouth, thus making the journey into the 'night' work much easier and all the real commuting could be done during those few short days I had at the shop in Exeter. I moved in two stages: one large car-load on Sunday followed by one small car-load on Wednesday. That Wednesday I also came back to Exeter on the train to collect my bike. On the train back to Plymouth I got a message from the temporary staff bank at Exeter Uni offering me some temporary work in their library to help with the usual summer book-movement. At the time I thought the irony of that was quite funny. A day later, when I discovered the truth about my 3-month contract, the joke died.
Meanwhile I'd just committed myself to sharing a new house with a couple of friends who of course have chosen a bigger house than they otherwise would have had and won't be able to afford it without me there. I'm pleased to be sharing a place with good friends I've known for years but now I can't just drop everything and disappear back to London where jobs are much easier to come by. I've already begun job-hunting even though I'm currently working two jobs and have been in Plymouth for less than a week as I'm now consigned to asking for more hours at the Exeter job and commuting up there every day at least during June. How funny is that - by moving house to reduce the amount of time and money I'd spend commuting I've inadvertently increased it instead.
So, the initial idea that three months of library-based work in Plymouth to give me some initial library-based work experience, get access to internal vacancies and of course to earn some extra money to help me claw back some of my debt has basically collapsed and now I may well be a lot worse off by the end of June. I know a change was necessary as I was stagnating in Exeter but would have preferred it all to be a change for the fucking better. Maybe next time.
I had a despondent moment earlier when I thought about all the bad decisions I've made in terms of jobs, places to live, and girlfriends, but that's a whole entry by itself and there's been enough bleating for one night. Let's just end with a nice little quote from Fight Club: It's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Day Off
A scheduled day off work; time in which to get chores done, run errands, put your feet up and relax. Today ran like this: out of bed, cup of hot water with lemon, checked emails and chose a couple of lines from one of the Japanese junk emails to translate for practice, cup of black coffee as a treat, into town to deposit £6 of change into the bank then to M&S to change a 5 Euro note into sterling (got over £4 and was pleased with that) then did the usual food shopping at Tesco, went home and had something to eat while starting the job-hunt marathon.
Checked job websites of Plymouth Uni, Exeter Uni, Plymouth City Council, Exeter City Council, Devon County Council, Peninsula Medical School, Met Office, the NHS, the Academic jobs website, a library jobs website, did searches based in Exeter, Plymouth and London on Jobsite.co.uk, then checked the jobs pages on the websites of every University and Borough Council in London. Found one job worth applying for and the closing date is April 13th so I'm happy to wait until tomorrow evening to fill that in and send it off.
Later in the afternoon I did some more Japanese (3 lines from an advertising email takes up a page of A4 when written out with spaces for translation and generally takes over an hour to do), cooked dinner (and therefore tomorrow's lunch) and decided I'm too tired to go to tonight's beginners Taiji and want an early night as I get up at 5 tomorrow to get into work for 7.
Meanwhile, spent the day listening to Marilyn Manson, Tori Amos and now NIN. Just finishing off re-reading Marilyn Manson's autobiography (the Neil Strauss version from 1998) and found the following phrase highly amusing: Anyone I may have used should feel happy that they even had a use. It's better than being useless.
I feel pretty useless right now. I don't suppose to listening to Trent Reznor repeat the lines “Every day is exactly the same” is helping much but I like the song too much to skip over it. And tomorrow should be better.
Checked job websites of Plymouth Uni, Exeter Uni, Plymouth City Council, Exeter City Council, Devon County Council, Peninsula Medical School, Met Office, the NHS, the Academic jobs website, a library jobs website, did searches based in Exeter, Plymouth and London on Jobsite.co.uk, then checked the jobs pages on the websites of every University and Borough Council in London. Found one job worth applying for and the closing date is April 13th so I'm happy to wait until tomorrow evening to fill that in and send it off.
Later in the afternoon I did some more Japanese (3 lines from an advertising email takes up a page of A4 when written out with spaces for translation and generally takes over an hour to do), cooked dinner (and therefore tomorrow's lunch) and decided I'm too tired to go to tonight's beginners Taiji and want an early night as I get up at 5 tomorrow to get into work for 7.
Meanwhile, spent the day listening to Marilyn Manson, Tori Amos and now NIN. Just finishing off re-reading Marilyn Manson's autobiography (the Neil Strauss version from 1998) and found the following phrase highly amusing: Anyone I may have used should feel happy that they even had a use. It's better than being useless.
I feel pretty useless right now. I don't suppose to listening to Trent Reznor repeat the lines “Every day is exactly the same” is helping much but I like the song too much to skip over it. And tomorrow should be better.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Habit (re)forming – a positive twist
The first step in solving a problem is being aware that there is a problem - pure common sense. But suppose you're unwittingly hiding a problem from your awareness – how're you going to solve it?
To explain: suppose you have a bad habit you're trying to get rid of, whether it's picking your nose, staring at someone's cleavage, standing/sitting with bad posture, automatically feeling defensive when you see a group of teenagers getting on your bus, whatever. If your automatic reaction to realising you're doing it again is to get annoyed with yourself you'll probably never ditch the habit.
Why? The mind has a lot of self-protection mechanisms built in so whenever it encounters a 'threat' to its (your) happiness/well-being it tries to stop that threat from recurring. If each time you realise you're doing the 'wrong' thing your reaction is “SHIT, I'm STILL doing that!” your mind will say to itself “Hmm, whenever I notice myself doing that thing I get upset, so I'd better stop noticing it as that means I won't get upset.” and you're then less likely to be aware of the habit. If your subconscious is deliberately keeping things below the radar of the conscious there's nothing you can do to improve the situation.
The trick to solving the problem is this: when you notice you're picking your nose, staring at the woman's boobs, slouching, etc., instead of going “Shit! I'm doing it again!”, you should train yourself to say “Good! I've noticed I'm doing that again – now I can stop doing it!”. You're rewarding yourself for increasing your awareness of the action because without awareness of the action you can't do anything to correct it. The idea is to set up a positive feedback spiral where your mind actively wants to be aware of these habits - then you can do something about them. If you can do this consistently you will over time replace bad old habits with good new ones.
One pitfall to look out for is this: at times you'll feel as though you're doing the wrong thing a lot more than ever before and you'll feel disheartened because it seems you're getting worse rather than better. You're not getting worse; you're improving your awareness of the problem so you're getting a clearer picture of it – it's one of the milestones on the way to eradicating the habit so it's something you should be pleased about! As with anything useful this takes work, so keep at it and don't beat yourself up about the times when you slip back a bit.
To explain: suppose you have a bad habit you're trying to get rid of, whether it's picking your nose, staring at someone's cleavage, standing/sitting with bad posture, automatically feeling defensive when you see a group of teenagers getting on your bus, whatever. If your automatic reaction to realising you're doing it again is to get annoyed with yourself you'll probably never ditch the habit.
Why? The mind has a lot of self-protection mechanisms built in so whenever it encounters a 'threat' to its (your) happiness/well-being it tries to stop that threat from recurring. If each time you realise you're doing the 'wrong' thing your reaction is “SHIT, I'm STILL doing that!” your mind will say to itself “Hmm, whenever I notice myself doing that thing I get upset, so I'd better stop noticing it as that means I won't get upset.” and you're then less likely to be aware of the habit. If your subconscious is deliberately keeping things below the radar of the conscious there's nothing you can do to improve the situation.
The trick to solving the problem is this: when you notice you're picking your nose, staring at the woman's boobs, slouching, etc., instead of going “Shit! I'm doing it again!”, you should train yourself to say “Good! I've noticed I'm doing that again – now I can stop doing it!”. You're rewarding yourself for increasing your awareness of the action because without awareness of the action you can't do anything to correct it. The idea is to set up a positive feedback spiral where your mind actively wants to be aware of these habits - then you can do something about them. If you can do this consistently you will over time replace bad old habits with good new ones.
One pitfall to look out for is this: at times you'll feel as though you're doing the wrong thing a lot more than ever before and you'll feel disheartened because it seems you're getting worse rather than better. You're not getting worse; you're improving your awareness of the problem so you're getting a clearer picture of it – it's one of the milestones on the way to eradicating the habit so it's something you should be pleased about! As with anything useful this takes work, so keep at it and don't beat yourself up about the times when you slip back a bit.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Bike Ride
Around 17 miles of steep hills in bright sunshine at around 3 degrees celsius. Took around 80 minutes in total and was tough enough I just want to sleep now.
Nutshell:
You know when you're cycling up a hill so long and steep that your throat is full of phlegm but you don't dare hawk it up in case the tension on your diaphragm makes you spew? Me too.
Nutshell:
You know when you're cycling up a hill so long and steep that your throat is full of phlegm but you don't dare hawk it up in case the tension on your diaphragm makes you spew? Me too.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Another avoidable time bomb...
There was an article in today's local newspaper (I get the news digest via email) entitled "Care costs a ticking time bomb" which basically made the point about people having to work longer before retiring otherwise they'll suffer financial difficulties in their old age. One of the quotes was that "Our study found that more than half of professionals aged 35 to 45 said they would encounter financial problems in old age if they did not receive a parental windfall to bail them out", hence the starting point for my riposte. The article ended with the line "The Government must do more to encourage people to think about their future if we are to avoid the massive time bomb currently ticking", which is what evoked the response below.
I currently fit into the 35 to 45 age bracket and am struggling to get myself out of debt so that I can be more comfortable as I get older. At this point I don't intend to fully retire from work at all - instead, my aim is to move more into work that I really enjoy so I can keep going for longer. I'm also trying to keep myself in good health so that I can keep working for longer. I completely agree that people ought to put more effort into thinking about and planning for their future.
I have one small question: why does everyone always put the onus on the Government for issues like these? We're not sheep who need to be herded in the right direction and most of us are not children so why must there always be some 'greater authority' tasked with making life decisions for us? The devolution of power is always a topic for debate in political circles and, for those with some exposure to it, in psychological/therapeutic circles. The age-old call for 'power to the people' must carry with it the companion call of 'power to the individual', which means each person must, to the best of their ability, take responsibility for their own life. Instead of whining like a bunch a spoilt children, saying "Why doesn't *this person/group/agency*" do something about *this problem*", it's time everyone understood that changing things for the better begins, like charity, at home. If you want something improved, see what you can do to improve it - sitting around complaining about things not being good enough doesn't change anything, it just wastes time, energy and potential. The Government is not there to tell us what to do, it is there to do what we tell it to. The first thing that must happen is that each individual must take responsibility for their own actions, their own lives, both now and for the future. If everyone did that we wouldn't need the Nanny State. The Government would be in much better shape because they wouldn't need to spend so much time/money/energy on trivial detail so the money we pay in taxes would be better spent and, as the Government would have less power over the individual, we would all have better lives. We just have to stand up and do it.
A few celebrated people have said it well:
Seneca: It is not because things are difficult that we dare not, it is because we dare not that things are difficult.
Michael Jackson: If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change. (Song: Man in the mirror)
I currently fit into the 35 to 45 age bracket and am struggling to get myself out of debt so that I can be more comfortable as I get older. At this point I don't intend to fully retire from work at all - instead, my aim is to move more into work that I really enjoy so I can keep going for longer. I'm also trying to keep myself in good health so that I can keep working for longer. I completely agree that people ought to put more effort into thinking about and planning for their future.
I have one small question: why does everyone always put the onus on the Government for issues like these? We're not sheep who need to be herded in the right direction and most of us are not children so why must there always be some 'greater authority' tasked with making life decisions for us? The devolution of power is always a topic for debate in political circles and, for those with some exposure to it, in psychological/therapeutic circles. The age-old call for 'power to the people' must carry with it the companion call of 'power to the individual', which means each person must, to the best of their ability, take responsibility for their own life. Instead of whining like a bunch a spoilt children, saying "Why doesn't *this person/group/agency*" do something about *this problem*", it's time everyone understood that changing things for the better begins, like charity, at home. If you want something improved, see what you can do to improve it - sitting around complaining about things not being good enough doesn't change anything, it just wastes time, energy and potential. The Government is not there to tell us what to do, it is there to do what we tell it to. The first thing that must happen is that each individual must take responsibility for their own actions, their own lives, both now and for the future. If everyone did that we wouldn't need the Nanny State. The Government would be in much better shape because they wouldn't need to spend so much time/money/energy on trivial detail so the money we pay in taxes would be better spent and, as the Government would have less power over the individual, we would all have better lives. We just have to stand up and do it.
A few celebrated people have said it well:
Seneca: It is not because things are difficult that we dare not, it is because we dare not that things are difficult.
Michael Jackson: If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change. (Song: Man in the mirror)
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Baby got back, front AND sides mofo
To be sung to the tune of 'Baby got back':
I hate fat fucks and I cannot lie
All you other Brothers can't deny
When a girl walks past with a jelly-belly waist
Stuffing doughnuts in her face
You feel sick...
Harsh, unfair, and untrue. But the lyrics hit the music with a wallop and it'd be a waste to ignore it. Seriously though, let's take a proper look at this. I don't know what you think of the fat vs skinny argument; whether the rampant worship of bony bitches has had a backlash effect and created the tubby tarts, or whether one weight extreme is more attractive than the other. Here's what I think...
To be attractive, a person just has to look 'right'. That's all. In my time I've had a major crush on a big woman, a skinny woman, and many others in between. People are naturally built in a particular way and either you like them or you don't. The problem is that so many people go beyond the natural boundaries of their body type and that's where things go awry. What am I on about? Let's take a woman with a naturally athletic build: she could get away with putting on enough weight to be curvaceous or losing enough weight to be slim, but to go further in either direction would look wrong. That's why so many apparently attractive women look awful when they diet down to be skinny – they've taken their body beyond it's natural limits. That's also why so many women look horrible with backsides like sacks of potatoes and guts that hang over their belt - apart from the obvious fact that ANYONE whose stomach hides their belt buckle ought to take the hint and eat less pizza - it simply goes beyond the body's natural boundaries.
We're living in an era of mass media where more people than ever are hyper-conscious of their image and information about health and nutrition is freely available, so why are there so many people who don't take care of themselves at all? The usual arguments sound something like: blah blah sedentary lifestyle blah blah cheaper food blah blah internet culture blah blah blah. No. Those may be contributing factors but I don't think they're the main cause. At this point, someone somewhere will wheel out the old chestnut “What about those of us who can't help it?” Well yes, there are some people who really can't help it. One of the women in the beginners Taiji class I attend is overweight because she has serious problems with her knees and doing anything more strenuous than a 90-minute Taiji session is beyond her physical capabilities. I've also known two people with LMBBS (Google that) and that condition, which is hereditary, means the poor folks would be overweight if they lived on a diet of grilled salmon and steamed broccoli. There are probably one or two other medical conditions which we could comfortably store in the “Really can't help it” box but the rest deserve as much sympathy as David Baddiel displayed during the 'History Today' tour when he said “Oh God, I'm sorry. I forgot all about those of you who can't help STUFFING YOUR FUCKING FACE!”
Back to the point. What do I think is the cause of this run on obesity? Given that it originated in the USA, the home of the spoilt brat and ground zero for the self-obsessed, it's very clearly a strong aversion to two simple words: Personal Responsibility. Yes you heard me right, fatties, you're in that state because you're sitting on your backsides, refusing to take responsibility for yourself, and waiting for someone else to do it all for you. This is one of the by-products of the Generation X baby-boomers who had to go without during the 70's and 80's - they now pamper their kids and spoil them in an effort to give them a 'better life than I had'. Unfortunately, that's only being measured in material wealth and rarely in terms of real quality of life.
Now with reality TV persuading people that anyone can be famous, with Youtube and other websites allowing people to show off to the world at large, people don't do anything without having a potential audience on hand. (Oh the irony: rather than keeping these thoughts to myself I'm writing them in a blog...) And when you're young, who's your audience? Mum and Dad. You get so used to being congratulated on every little thing you do, being made to feel that you're 'special' (Bill Hicks, geddit?) and being able to get what you want by throwing a temper tantrum, that parents quickly evolve from being providers into being servants. Now, some childhood obesity is normal – let's face it there have always been fat kids, skinny kids and kids with all sorts of problems - but those are just normal developmental phases that you grow out of. However, when you've had your parents pandering to your whims for most of your childhood you get very used to the idea that anything difficult can be done for you.
I think Darren said it best: “These Surrey Girls, it's all 'Daddy do this and Daddy do that'” That was in a very different context but the message is the same. The problem is, my chubby chums, that losing weight and getting in shape is not something that can be done for you. Even more unfortunate is the fact that the actual physical act of exercising is the easy part! Eating healthy food is more difficult, due to the addictive nature of bad food, and worst of all is devising a realistic food & exercise plan and sticking to it. If you've ever had this experience you'll know what I mean: It's a new year, you join a gym (or go back to one), get a workout plan drawn up for you, leave buzzing with excitement at the progress you'll make, and then decide you'll do the workout at least 4 times a week until the summer. Meanwhile, you decide to go cold turkey on your bad diet, kick out the jams (and the doughnuts they're wrapped in) and eat 'healthy' foods in small portions from then on. And what happens? Within a month it all backfires, you feel so bad it's like you're actually ill, you're tired all the time and absolutely every little thing makes you angry. So you go back to the old routine, hating yourself for failing and resigning yourself to another bout of several months of feeling like the 'ugly one'.
What did you do wrong? You tried to do it all at once, your body rebelled and you burned out. You cannot make huge changes all at once, the body simply can't cope. Your body takes several weeks to get used to something new so give it that time! Going to the gym? Good, go twice a week for the first month and if you can cope with that take it up to 3 times a week the following month – no more than that: you need a full day between workouts as recovery time is vital. Eating healthily? Good, cut out 1 major 'bad' food group (sugar or dairy first as they're the big 2) – cut it out completely – but make sure you're still eating the same volume of food so you're not going hungry. Example: if I eat a plate of tuna & pasta then fancy something sweet, I eat another (smaller) plate of tuna & pasta so I'm full up – the sweet craving goes. Try this regime. It works. But you have to do it yourself as no-one is going to do it for you. Read that last line again. And again. Until you get it.
I hate fat fucks and I cannot lie
All you other Brothers can't deny
When a girl walks past with a jelly-belly waist
Stuffing doughnuts in her face
You feel sick...
Harsh, unfair, and untrue. But the lyrics hit the music with a wallop and it'd be a waste to ignore it. Seriously though, let's take a proper look at this. I don't know what you think of the fat vs skinny argument; whether the rampant worship of bony bitches has had a backlash effect and created the tubby tarts, or whether one weight extreme is more attractive than the other. Here's what I think...
To be attractive, a person just has to look 'right'. That's all. In my time I've had a major crush on a big woman, a skinny woman, and many others in between. People are naturally built in a particular way and either you like them or you don't. The problem is that so many people go beyond the natural boundaries of their body type and that's where things go awry. What am I on about? Let's take a woman with a naturally athletic build: she could get away with putting on enough weight to be curvaceous or losing enough weight to be slim, but to go further in either direction would look wrong. That's why so many apparently attractive women look awful when they diet down to be skinny – they've taken their body beyond it's natural limits. That's also why so many women look horrible with backsides like sacks of potatoes and guts that hang over their belt - apart from the obvious fact that ANYONE whose stomach hides their belt buckle ought to take the hint and eat less pizza - it simply goes beyond the body's natural boundaries.
We're living in an era of mass media where more people than ever are hyper-conscious of their image and information about health and nutrition is freely available, so why are there so many people who don't take care of themselves at all? The usual arguments sound something like: blah blah sedentary lifestyle blah blah cheaper food blah blah internet culture blah blah blah. No. Those may be contributing factors but I don't think they're the main cause. At this point, someone somewhere will wheel out the old chestnut “What about those of us who can't help it?” Well yes, there are some people who really can't help it. One of the women in the beginners Taiji class I attend is overweight because she has serious problems with her knees and doing anything more strenuous than a 90-minute Taiji session is beyond her physical capabilities. I've also known two people with LMBBS (Google that) and that condition, which is hereditary, means the poor folks would be overweight if they lived on a diet of grilled salmon and steamed broccoli. There are probably one or two other medical conditions which we could comfortably store in the “Really can't help it” box but the rest deserve as much sympathy as David Baddiel displayed during the 'History Today' tour when he said “Oh God, I'm sorry. I forgot all about those of you who can't help STUFFING YOUR FUCKING FACE!”
Back to the point. What do I think is the cause of this run on obesity? Given that it originated in the USA, the home of the spoilt brat and ground zero for the self-obsessed, it's very clearly a strong aversion to two simple words: Personal Responsibility. Yes you heard me right, fatties, you're in that state because you're sitting on your backsides, refusing to take responsibility for yourself, and waiting for someone else to do it all for you. This is one of the by-products of the Generation X baby-boomers who had to go without during the 70's and 80's - they now pamper their kids and spoil them in an effort to give them a 'better life than I had'. Unfortunately, that's only being measured in material wealth and rarely in terms of real quality of life.
Now with reality TV persuading people that anyone can be famous, with Youtube and other websites allowing people to show off to the world at large, people don't do anything without having a potential audience on hand. (Oh the irony: rather than keeping these thoughts to myself I'm writing them in a blog...) And when you're young, who's your audience? Mum and Dad. You get so used to being congratulated on every little thing you do, being made to feel that you're 'special' (Bill Hicks, geddit?) and being able to get what you want by throwing a temper tantrum, that parents quickly evolve from being providers into being servants. Now, some childhood obesity is normal – let's face it there have always been fat kids, skinny kids and kids with all sorts of problems - but those are just normal developmental phases that you grow out of. However, when you've had your parents pandering to your whims for most of your childhood you get very used to the idea that anything difficult can be done for you.
I think Darren said it best: “These Surrey Girls, it's all 'Daddy do this and Daddy do that'” That was in a very different context but the message is the same. The problem is, my chubby chums, that losing weight and getting in shape is not something that can be done for you. Even more unfortunate is the fact that the actual physical act of exercising is the easy part! Eating healthy food is more difficult, due to the addictive nature of bad food, and worst of all is devising a realistic food & exercise plan and sticking to it. If you've ever had this experience you'll know what I mean: It's a new year, you join a gym (or go back to one), get a workout plan drawn up for you, leave buzzing with excitement at the progress you'll make, and then decide you'll do the workout at least 4 times a week until the summer. Meanwhile, you decide to go cold turkey on your bad diet, kick out the jams (and the doughnuts they're wrapped in) and eat 'healthy' foods in small portions from then on. And what happens? Within a month it all backfires, you feel so bad it's like you're actually ill, you're tired all the time and absolutely every little thing makes you angry. So you go back to the old routine, hating yourself for failing and resigning yourself to another bout of several months of feeling like the 'ugly one'.
What did you do wrong? You tried to do it all at once, your body rebelled and you burned out. You cannot make huge changes all at once, the body simply can't cope. Your body takes several weeks to get used to something new so give it that time! Going to the gym? Good, go twice a week for the first month and if you can cope with that take it up to 3 times a week the following month – no more than that: you need a full day between workouts as recovery time is vital. Eating healthily? Good, cut out 1 major 'bad' food group (sugar or dairy first as they're the big 2) – cut it out completely – but make sure you're still eating the same volume of food so you're not going hungry. Example: if I eat a plate of tuna & pasta then fancy something sweet, I eat another (smaller) plate of tuna & pasta so I'm full up – the sweet craving goes. Try this regime. It works. But you have to do it yourself as no-one is going to do it for you. Read that last line again. And again. Until you get it.
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Number check
Very briefly, as there's nothing special to mention at the moment, here's the bodyweight numbers update for January.
I started the month at 13st (82.5KG) and ended it at 12st5lb (78.5KG) with a brief interlude where I was 12st3lb (77.5KG). That was the morning of the day of 'freedom' for January and the additional 2lb went on that day!
To break the diet for the day I started with a latte and two croissants, my tuna & rice lunch was supplemented with a bottle of coke zero and 4 choc chip muffins (£1 from Sainsbury's!) and I ate a lovely meat/veg noodle dish for dinner at Tyepyedong along with a beer. Later on I stopped off for a pint at the place near my house, bought a double decker from the corner shop with the last of my day's £20 budget, ate some more chocolate and a couple of cereal bars at home, then finished off the day with a couple of pieces of toasted pitta bread and some cheese. Lovely!
The following day I felt a little rough and when I did the workout DVD my legs hurt like hell during the hindu squats but thankfully I'm back to my version of normal now...
More interesting stuff next time. Promise.
I started the month at 13st (82.5KG) and ended it at 12st5lb (78.5KG) with a brief interlude where I was 12st3lb (77.5KG). That was the morning of the day of 'freedom' for January and the additional 2lb went on that day!
To break the diet for the day I started with a latte and two croissants, my tuna & rice lunch was supplemented with a bottle of coke zero and 4 choc chip muffins (£1 from Sainsbury's!) and I ate a lovely meat/veg noodle dish for dinner at Tyepyedong along with a beer. Later on I stopped off for a pint at the place near my house, bought a double decker from the corner shop with the last of my day's £20 budget, ate some more chocolate and a couple of cereal bars at home, then finished off the day with a couple of pieces of toasted pitta bread and some cheese. Lovely!
The following day I felt a little rough and when I did the workout DVD my legs hurt like hell during the hindu squats but thankfully I'm back to my version of normal now...
More interesting stuff next time. Promise.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Lazy entry: second-hand Q&A
I'm on the mailing list of a few websites and was just sent a questionnaire by a fellow member of one of them as my profile mentioned an interest in martial arts and he's doing some preliminary research for a project. I've removed the gumph about 'have you used your skills in a fight' because the answer is 'No', but the rest is a tidy version of what I sent him.
Q: What is your age and physical condition?
A: 37 years old; condition isn't bad, by which I mean I'm one of the fittest in my peer group but I am not now nor have ever been in what I would call 'athlete level' condition. Being single gives me an advantage: I don't have to devote time or energy to anyone else
Q: What is your level of interest in martial arts?
A: I've been training for over 17 years and I can't imagine life without it.
Q What arts do you practice? Why? Was it what's available or does it fit a particular need?
A: I currently only practice Taiji - I feel very lucky to have found the system I train in as it has a clear and direct lineage straight back to the Yang family.
Q What arts have you practised, and which did you start out in?
A: My first martial arts practice was approximately 3 months of karate at the age of 12. I stopped because the class moved to a new room in the sports hall - one with a wall of mirrors - and it became immediately obvious that I would never be able to manage the postures or kicks properly (I have problems with both hips, the left being more severe, for which I spent a couple of years on crutches as a kid). I also took ju-jitsu during my first year of University, then switched to ki aikido in my second year and stuck with that, off and on, for 10 years. I also took one or two introductory classes in kendo and in 2-3 variations of wing chun. In my late 20's I developed a fascination with bagua zhang and attended a 2-evening seminar lead by a pupil of B.K. Frantzis, who told me I needed to do some chi gung to 'open the energy gates' before studying bagua zhang properly. I enrolled in a qi gong class a month later and after a year of that I reached a plateau, which is when one of the other attendees recommended the Taiji class. I started the beginner's class and within 3 months had dropped the qi gong. Over the next year or so I allowed the ki aikido to tail off.
Q: If you switched arts, why? Was the first not what you were looking for, did you move and had to switch to what was available, etc?
A: I answered some of this above! I started the karate because like a lot of kids I felt small and weak and was afraid so I wanted to learn to fight. I started the ju-jitsu because, having watched a Steven Seagal film and seeing that a person could fight effectively using a 'throwing' art that didn't require hip flexibility I could never attain, it seemed like a good chance to finally do some 'real' practice. It was also one of the martial arts on offer at University. I switched from ju-jitsu to ki aikido after the first year because I was tired of feeling like I'd been beaten up twice a week by people who were unnecessarily rough in their practice. After a few years (basically after attaining my first black belt) the ki aikido got to be less and less satisfying: the head instructor wasn't learning from anyone better than himself and he wasn't doing much personal practice apart from general fitness work, so we were all heading down a dead end! It seemed to try to be spiritual and practical at the same time, thus watering down both aspects so much that neither was properly worked on. The senior students fell into two camps: those who followed the teacher unquestioningly, thus learning his skills and also taking on his insecurities and faults; and those who could see the faults and became more uncomfortable with the degradation of the quality of the practice. I was in the latter camp. The qi gong impressed me in the first class and within a month of practice I began to notice improvements in the aikido due to its influence. However, after a year I realised that even if I kept going for a much longer time I wouldn't derive much more from the practice as it wasn't focused or disciplined enough to encourage further development. Within a month of starting the Taiji class I found another noticeable improvement in the aikido and dropped the qi gong class entirely. Gradually, the depth of the taiji practice became clear, as did the benefits of practising a system with a clear lineage and a teacher who is still learning from an even better teacher himself.
Q: What is the level of intensity you practice? I.e. how many times a week, in a class, seminars, or solo training?
A: I attend 1-2 classes a week (2.5-4 hours), do 1-3 solo practice sessions of 20-60 minutes per week and attend weekend workshops and other seminars as they become available (and as work and money allow) so that can be 1 weekend workshop in a year or 2-3 weekends plus an 8-day seminar with the head of our system.
Q: What martial arts would you like to practice if you had time or they were available where you live? Why?
Q: There is a bagua zhang school nearby where I intend to participate in one of their monthly Saturday classes to get a better feel for the art and to see if the martial aspects are stimulating (the taiji is not martial at all even though the push-hands practice is an important part of the class so an occasional workshop where I can allow my ego free rein would be fun!)
Q: Do you study weapon arts? As an adjunct to an unarmed art, or as a weapon-based art (Escrima, Kobudo, Kendo/Kenjutsu, Western fencing etc)?
A: I used to work with bokken, jo and iaito as part of the aikido as we had to learn some weapons kata, including iaido kata and partner exercises, as part of the syllabus. The taiji practice does not include weapons as the taiji is not a fighting system and weapons are therefore irrelevant.
Q: What other sports or exercise do you practice, and how do you feel they relate to your martial arts practice?
A: I go cycling once or twice a week for cardiovascular fitness and have just started following a callisthenics workout DVD 2-3 times a week as the taiji and cycling don't work the upper body at all. The cycling and callisthenics (and swimming and hiking during the summer) give me cardiovascular fitness, endurance, strength (especially in the upper body) and definition that the Taiji doesn't. My Taiji skills are not yet good enough to allow Taiji to be my only training - hopefully that will come in 10-15 years.
Philosophical questions:
Q: Do you feel there is a philosophical/spiritual component to your martial art?
A: Yes, very much so.
Q: Could you describe it briefly?
A: It's a little difficult as the system is a true system of inner development. My teacher reminds us that the form is there only as the foundation - he says it is (as is all real taiji) simply 'a framework within which to engage with the process of change'. The practice begins with work on the body, gradually brings in work with the mind, and encourages work with the emotions. We are aiming for a 'higher state' which can be achieved through working on any of the three aspects deeply but which is better when all aspects are worked equally. We constantly aim to go deeper so the practice starts with the external choreography then moves through muscle state, forces within the body, then the energy in the body, all the while working on deepening the mind. Before all these stages are completed, talking about anything 'spiritual' is mere lip-service, and these stages take several years to work through.
Q: How does it relate to your understanding of Objectivism/libertarianism?
A: The ultimate aim of taiji is to aid the individual in their progress from physical to spiritual, from profane to divine. As you are working on yourself, constantly challenging yourself, building on your true strengths, eradicating weaknesses, aiming for perfection, the art truly is about freeing yourself from the constraints placed on you by the conditioning of your early life and the society you live in. Taiji is about freedom.
Q: Where in the four-five focuses of the Martial Arts does your interest lie? (More than one choice is OK.)
1) Self-defence/professional use of force
2) Tradition/physical art self-discipline
3) Spiritual/health
4) Sport/tournament
5) Demonstration
A: 3, 2, 1 in that order. 4 and 5 are superficial nonsense
Q: Is there anything you'd like to say about the place of martial arts in your life?
A: I can't imagine walking any other path.
Q: What is your age and physical condition?
A: 37 years old; condition isn't bad, by which I mean I'm one of the fittest in my peer group but I am not now nor have ever been in what I would call 'athlete level' condition. Being single gives me an advantage: I don't have to devote time or energy to anyone else
Q: What is your level of interest in martial arts?
A: I've been training for over 17 years and I can't imagine life without it.
Q What arts do you practice? Why? Was it what's available or does it fit a particular need?
A: I currently only practice Taiji - I feel very lucky to have found the system I train in as it has a clear and direct lineage straight back to the Yang family.
Q What arts have you practised, and which did you start out in?
A: My first martial arts practice was approximately 3 months of karate at the age of 12. I stopped because the class moved to a new room in the sports hall - one with a wall of mirrors - and it became immediately obvious that I would never be able to manage the postures or kicks properly (I have problems with both hips, the left being more severe, for which I spent a couple of years on crutches as a kid). I also took ju-jitsu during my first year of University, then switched to ki aikido in my second year and stuck with that, off and on, for 10 years. I also took one or two introductory classes in kendo and in 2-3 variations of wing chun. In my late 20's I developed a fascination with bagua zhang and attended a 2-evening seminar lead by a pupil of B.K. Frantzis, who told me I needed to do some chi gung to 'open the energy gates' before studying bagua zhang properly. I enrolled in a qi gong class a month later and after a year of that I reached a plateau, which is when one of the other attendees recommended the Taiji class. I started the beginner's class and within 3 months had dropped the qi gong. Over the next year or so I allowed the ki aikido to tail off.
Q: If you switched arts, why? Was the first not what you were looking for, did you move and had to switch to what was available, etc?
A: I answered some of this above! I started the karate because like a lot of kids I felt small and weak and was afraid so I wanted to learn to fight. I started the ju-jitsu because, having watched a Steven Seagal film and seeing that a person could fight effectively using a 'throwing' art that didn't require hip flexibility I could never attain, it seemed like a good chance to finally do some 'real' practice. It was also one of the martial arts on offer at University. I switched from ju-jitsu to ki aikido after the first year because I was tired of feeling like I'd been beaten up twice a week by people who were unnecessarily rough in their practice. After a few years (basically after attaining my first black belt) the ki aikido got to be less and less satisfying: the head instructor wasn't learning from anyone better than himself and he wasn't doing much personal practice apart from general fitness work, so we were all heading down a dead end! It seemed to try to be spiritual and practical at the same time, thus watering down both aspects so much that neither was properly worked on. The senior students fell into two camps: those who followed the teacher unquestioningly, thus learning his skills and also taking on his insecurities and faults; and those who could see the faults and became more uncomfortable with the degradation of the quality of the practice. I was in the latter camp. The qi gong impressed me in the first class and within a month of practice I began to notice improvements in the aikido due to its influence. However, after a year I realised that even if I kept going for a much longer time I wouldn't derive much more from the practice as it wasn't focused or disciplined enough to encourage further development. Within a month of starting the Taiji class I found another noticeable improvement in the aikido and dropped the qi gong class entirely. Gradually, the depth of the taiji practice became clear, as did the benefits of practising a system with a clear lineage and a teacher who is still learning from an even better teacher himself.
Q: What is the level of intensity you practice? I.e. how many times a week, in a class, seminars, or solo training?
A: I attend 1-2 classes a week (2.5-4 hours), do 1-3 solo practice sessions of 20-60 minutes per week and attend weekend workshops and other seminars as they become available (and as work and money allow) so that can be 1 weekend workshop in a year or 2-3 weekends plus an 8-day seminar with the head of our system.
Q: What martial arts would you like to practice if you had time or they were available where you live? Why?
Q: There is a bagua zhang school nearby where I intend to participate in one of their monthly Saturday classes to get a better feel for the art and to see if the martial aspects are stimulating (the taiji is not martial at all even though the push-hands practice is an important part of the class so an occasional workshop where I can allow my ego free rein would be fun!)
Q: Do you study weapon arts? As an adjunct to an unarmed art, or as a weapon-based art (Escrima, Kobudo, Kendo/Kenjutsu, Western fencing etc)?
A: I used to work with bokken, jo and iaito as part of the aikido as we had to learn some weapons kata, including iaido kata and partner exercises, as part of the syllabus. The taiji practice does not include weapons as the taiji is not a fighting system and weapons are therefore irrelevant.
Q: What other sports or exercise do you practice, and how do you feel they relate to your martial arts practice?
A: I go cycling once or twice a week for cardiovascular fitness and have just started following a callisthenics workout DVD 2-3 times a week as the taiji and cycling don't work the upper body at all. The cycling and callisthenics (and swimming and hiking during the summer) give me cardiovascular fitness, endurance, strength (especially in the upper body) and definition that the Taiji doesn't. My Taiji skills are not yet good enough to allow Taiji to be my only training - hopefully that will come in 10-15 years.
Philosophical questions:
Q: Do you feel there is a philosophical/spiritual component to your martial art?
A: Yes, very much so.
Q: Could you describe it briefly?
A: It's a little difficult as the system is a true system of inner development. My teacher reminds us that the form is there only as the foundation - he says it is (as is all real taiji) simply 'a framework within which to engage with the process of change'. The practice begins with work on the body, gradually brings in work with the mind, and encourages work with the emotions. We are aiming for a 'higher state' which can be achieved through working on any of the three aspects deeply but which is better when all aspects are worked equally. We constantly aim to go deeper so the practice starts with the external choreography then moves through muscle state, forces within the body, then the energy in the body, all the while working on deepening the mind. Before all these stages are completed, talking about anything 'spiritual' is mere lip-service, and these stages take several years to work through.
Q: How does it relate to your understanding of Objectivism/libertarianism?
A: The ultimate aim of taiji is to aid the individual in their progress from physical to spiritual, from profane to divine. As you are working on yourself, constantly challenging yourself, building on your true strengths, eradicating weaknesses, aiming for perfection, the art truly is about freeing yourself from the constraints placed on you by the conditioning of your early life and the society you live in. Taiji is about freedom.
Q: Where in the four-five focuses of the Martial Arts does your interest lie? (More than one choice is OK.)
1) Self-defence/professional use of force
2) Tradition/physical art self-discipline
3) Spiritual/health
4) Sport/tournament
5) Demonstration
A: 3, 2, 1 in that order. 4 and 5 are superficial nonsense
Q: Is there anything you'd like to say about the place of martial arts in your life?
A: I can't imagine walking any other path.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
In defence of Robbie Williams
This is a riposte to a comment made about Robbie's latest and greatest BRIT award. The commentator said something like “Robbie Williams being given a lifetime achievement award? What is the world coming to!” Well, let's see.
First of all he's being given an 'Outstanding Contribution to British Music' award, not a 'Lifetime Achievement' award, so if you're going to take pot-shots at someone at least get your fucking facts right. Secondly, he is in fact a highly successful singer and recording artist who has had a career in pop music since he first appeared with Take That in 1990 at the age of 16 . That's nearly 20 years of making a good living and constantly working at what he does, which is much more than can be said for the purveyors of rampant mediocrity that are wheeled in front of the masses on hideous reality television shows like X-factor. I had the severe misfortune to catch about 30 seconds of one episode of the last series and witnessed the Jedward twins ruin an already bland Wham song with a display of ineptitude that would have had them booed off the mic at a karaoke party in Butlins.
Now, I'm aware that not every participant in talent shows is a useless wannabe with delusions of competence and there are some people who do deserve the attention they get - if you sieve through enough turds you will eventually find a diamond so by sheer weight of numbers you're going to get someone who can actually perform. Shows like X-factor are only superficially there to find that diamond, polish it and let the faceless herd enjoy the fact that their favourite won the competition. The existence of these shows is really a combination of other factors, the most important being that they're basically very cheap soap operas. They appeal to the same crowd for the same reason: the audience get wrapped up in the emotional 'journey' of the participants and it is that emotional connection that keeps people's attention, not the talent of the performers. In the case of the Jedward boys (and probably many others who I've never heard of as I'd rather make a sock-monkey out of my foreskin than watch that drivel) it was clearly the rather limp British version of under-dog worship that got them so far.
The Japanese love an under-dog too: the strength of will to keep going in the face of insurmountable odds is an attribute to be admired even if the protagonist loses the 'battle'. In the UK it's more of a voyeuristic schadenfreude where the public likes to see someone who's useless so they can point and laugh at the competitor, applaud in patronising fashion when the talentless turd fails, and sit back smugly thinking that they (the audience member) could probably have done better if only they had been bothered to try. It's typically British to want to drag down successful people – look at just about any tabloid newspaper article for evidence of this – as it's much easier to take a bite out of someone else than it is to face your own insecurities, get off your backside and make a fucking effort to do something good.
But I digress. Rather than allowing the 'does he deserve the award' argument to be made on the fan/detractor level of “I like his music so he does deserve it” versus “I don't like it so he doesn't”, let's take a look at a few facts.
Robbie started in Take That in 1990 at the age of 16. With Take That he shared the success of 3 BRIT awards (they won a fourth for a song recorded when he was in the band but he'd left by then) and record sales of over 19 million. Since going solo he's won another 10 BRIT awards (not including the OCBM which gives him a record-breaking total 15), six ECHO awards (another record) and many others from the UK as well as France, Spain, Germany, The Netherlands, Mexico, Hong Kong and other places.
His first solo single was a cover of George Michael's 'Freedom' which charted at number 2, twenty-six places higher than the original, and his first album went double-platinum. Since then all of his albums have been multi-platinum selling and his total album sales to date are over 55 million. He's had more number one albums in the UK charts than any other British artist, which makes him the best selling British artist in history, and when tickets were released for his 2006 tour he set a world record by selling 1.6 million tickets on the first day. His most recent record was set last year when his BBC Electric Proms gig was broadcast to 250 cinemas in 23 countries, netting him the world record for simultaneous screenings of a live concert. It was also transmitted live to various radio stations around the world for an estimated total audience of 33 million people.
Any negative comments will simply be someone's opinion of his music, not his achievements, or more insipidly their opinion of his character, looks, sexuality, or any other nonsense which doesn't actually bear any relation to his work. Is there anyone who deserves this award more than him but hasn't yet won it? Maybe, but if so they'll get it next year so no-one's actually lost anything.
Does he deserve the award? Yes, he does. It doesn't matter if you like it, if you like his music, or if you like him as a person; he's done the work, he deserves the reward.
Robbie Williams
A British success story
Fucking deal with it
First of all he's being given an 'Outstanding Contribution to British Music' award, not a 'Lifetime Achievement' award, so if you're going to take pot-shots at someone at least get your fucking facts right. Secondly, he is in fact a highly successful singer and recording artist who has had a career in pop music since he first appeared with Take That in 1990 at the age of 16 . That's nearly 20 years of making a good living and constantly working at what he does, which is much more than can be said for the purveyors of rampant mediocrity that are wheeled in front of the masses on hideous reality television shows like X-factor. I had the severe misfortune to catch about 30 seconds of one episode of the last series and witnessed the Jedward twins ruin an already bland Wham song with a display of ineptitude that would have had them booed off the mic at a karaoke party in Butlins.
Now, I'm aware that not every participant in talent shows is a useless wannabe with delusions of competence and there are some people who do deserve the attention they get - if you sieve through enough turds you will eventually find a diamond so by sheer weight of numbers you're going to get someone who can actually perform. Shows like X-factor are only superficially there to find that diamond, polish it and let the faceless herd enjoy the fact that their favourite won the competition. The existence of these shows is really a combination of other factors, the most important being that they're basically very cheap soap operas. They appeal to the same crowd for the same reason: the audience get wrapped up in the emotional 'journey' of the participants and it is that emotional connection that keeps people's attention, not the talent of the performers. In the case of the Jedward boys (and probably many others who I've never heard of as I'd rather make a sock-monkey out of my foreskin than watch that drivel) it was clearly the rather limp British version of under-dog worship that got them so far.
The Japanese love an under-dog too: the strength of will to keep going in the face of insurmountable odds is an attribute to be admired even if the protagonist loses the 'battle'. In the UK it's more of a voyeuristic schadenfreude where the public likes to see someone who's useless so they can point and laugh at the competitor, applaud in patronising fashion when the talentless turd fails, and sit back smugly thinking that they (the audience member) could probably have done better if only they had been bothered to try. It's typically British to want to drag down successful people – look at just about any tabloid newspaper article for evidence of this – as it's much easier to take a bite out of someone else than it is to face your own insecurities, get off your backside and make a fucking effort to do something good.
But I digress. Rather than allowing the 'does he deserve the award' argument to be made on the fan/detractor level of “I like his music so he does deserve it” versus “I don't like it so he doesn't”, let's take a look at a few facts.
Robbie started in Take That in 1990 at the age of 16. With Take That he shared the success of 3 BRIT awards (they won a fourth for a song recorded when he was in the band but he'd left by then) and record sales of over 19 million. Since going solo he's won another 10 BRIT awards (not including the OCBM which gives him a record-breaking total 15), six ECHO awards (another record) and many others from the UK as well as France, Spain, Germany, The Netherlands, Mexico, Hong Kong and other places.
His first solo single was a cover of George Michael's 'Freedom' which charted at number 2, twenty-six places higher than the original, and his first album went double-platinum. Since then all of his albums have been multi-platinum selling and his total album sales to date are over 55 million. He's had more number one albums in the UK charts than any other British artist, which makes him the best selling British artist in history, and when tickets were released for his 2006 tour he set a world record by selling 1.6 million tickets on the first day. His most recent record was set last year when his BBC Electric Proms gig was broadcast to 250 cinemas in 23 countries, netting him the world record for simultaneous screenings of a live concert. It was also transmitted live to various radio stations around the world for an estimated total audience of 33 million people.
Any negative comments will simply be someone's opinion of his music, not his achievements, or more insipidly their opinion of his character, looks, sexuality, or any other nonsense which doesn't actually bear any relation to his work. Is there anyone who deserves this award more than him but hasn't yet won it? Maybe, but if so they'll get it next year so no-one's actually lost anything.
Does he deserve the award? Yes, he does. It doesn't matter if you like it, if you like his music, or if you like him as a person; he's done the work, he deserves the reward.
Robbie Williams
A British success story
Fucking deal with it
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Twin town: Auburnville
Lee just popped in for a visit as he was in town anyway and of course a lot of our conversation was about writing, mainly his - see "Explore Auburnville" for more information and to sample the writing yourself. Something he said triggered a memory and I showed him a couple of pieces of flash fiction I'd written ages ago but with which I'd done nothing. He liked them and, quoting the phrase "Don't apologise for your work", suggested I put them on my blog rather than leaving them hidden on my laptop. So, here they are.
Setting Sun
The Sun was just starting to set, so he took the pan off the stove and turned off the heat. The trick was to get the Sun right – after that everything else would fall into place. The last batch was so half-baked one of the planets developed an infestation that eventually destroyed the whole system. Such a waste of a Sunday afternoon. He put the pan on on the ledge of an open window and smiled as he watched the explosions gradually building into chains of fusion reactions. Yes, you had to get the Sun right.
The Punch
This would teach him – nobody spoke to me like that and got away with it. I could feel muscles tensing in chains starting at my feet and rising through my body, building power that would erupt through my fist and smash that smug grin of his right through the back of his head. My eyes closed involuntarily in preparation for the impact which, after an eternity of waiting, simply never came. I opened my eyes to see ... nothing. Just as his bunched fist crashed into my now exposed ribs I realised what had happened. He'd ducked.
Setting Sun
The Sun was just starting to set, so he took the pan off the stove and turned off the heat. The trick was to get the Sun right – after that everything else would fall into place. The last batch was so half-baked one of the planets developed an infestation that eventually destroyed the whole system. Such a waste of a Sunday afternoon. He put the pan on on the ledge of an open window and smiled as he watched the explosions gradually building into chains of fusion reactions. Yes, you had to get the Sun right.
The Punch
This would teach him – nobody spoke to me like that and got away with it. I could feel muscles tensing in chains starting at my feet and rising through my body, building power that would erupt through my fist and smash that smug grin of his right through the back of his head. My eyes closed involuntarily in preparation for the impact which, after an eternity of waiting, simply never came. I opened my eyes to see ... nothing. Just as his bunched fist crashed into my now exposed ribs I realised what had happened. He'd ducked.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Don't trust the numbers...
So here we are again: same shit, different decade. As before I've jumped into the New Year by embarking on a strict diet that gets more restrictive but slightly easier to cope with each year. As well as the usual avoidance of anything milk-based or containing sugar, wheat, yeast, alcohol or caffeine, I've also added fizzy drinks to this year's 'banned' list. That's because last year I ended up drinking lots of caffeine-free diet coke as it was a 'naughty' item that I was actually allowed. Daft. And as before I have a lofty list of goals to achieve this year but this time I'm more sure of what I can realistically achieve so although there's a lot to attend to (of that, more later) I'm aiming for targets that will stretch me without going too far.
For whatever reason, the diet is easier this year. I suspect this may be a combination of several things including: a more positive attitude to this year as a whole, deliberately getting more sleep so I'm properly rested (and of course you don't feel hungry when you're sleeping), and the simple fact that I did something very similar last year so there are no surprises this time around. I weighed myself on January 1st: 13 stone exactly (83KG) and again on January 11th: 12 stone 7 pounds (80KG). As I've done less exercise than expected (no cycling due to the bad weather) and have therefore only been doing the "15 Minute Hell" calisthenics workout twice a week as well as attending Taiji classes twice a week, I suspect 6 of those 7 'lost' pounds were just junk food working its way out of my system and there's only been 1 pound of actual fat lost. That means the weight loss ought to slow right down now and be a more gradual pound per week or thereabouts. If I hit the target of being under 12 stone by June that'll be a good boost.
So, when the ground is properly free of ice and therefore safe to cycle on again, the aim is to build up to the following weekly schedule by mid-February and then just increase the intensity and/or duration of each activity:
Physical:
2 Taiji classes plus 2-3 personal practice sessions of 20+ minutes
2-3 calisthenics workouts
1 bike ride of 60+ minutes
Stretch after every workout (ideally aiming to be able to sit cross-legged comfortably)
Maintain diet, apart from 1 day a month of complete 'freedom'
Intellectual:
Languages: 2+ hours of learning/practice each week (In descending order that will be French, Greek, Mandarin, Japanese. The Mandarin & Japanese will cross over with Kanji practice) and yes I am allowing a cheat: watching a foreign-language film will count as one of those two hours.
Writing: add more to this blog and see what else I can do in terms of articles/essays.
Handwriting: work on my usual handwriting and also learn/practice more kanji
Reading: continue working through book list.
Technology: Make further progress with Apple software, learn to touch-type.
Emotional: use Sufi "evoke/observe/analyse" work as learned at Taiji.
Right, that's enough lofty ponciness for one blog entry. So far I've lost more weight than expected, kept up around 2/3 of the physical stuff, some of the intellectual and some of the emotional. I'll update progress as the year goes by. Finally, I REALLY need to get a new job so I can afford to start paying off my credit cards. I have a 3-month window in which to do this before the money situation gets very serious...
For whatever reason, the diet is easier this year. I suspect this may be a combination of several things including: a more positive attitude to this year as a whole, deliberately getting more sleep so I'm properly rested (and of course you don't feel hungry when you're sleeping), and the simple fact that I did something very similar last year so there are no surprises this time around. I weighed myself on January 1st: 13 stone exactly (83KG) and again on January 11th: 12 stone 7 pounds (80KG). As I've done less exercise than expected (no cycling due to the bad weather) and have therefore only been doing the "15 Minute Hell" calisthenics workout twice a week as well as attending Taiji classes twice a week, I suspect 6 of those 7 'lost' pounds were just junk food working its way out of my system and there's only been 1 pound of actual fat lost. That means the weight loss ought to slow right down now and be a more gradual pound per week or thereabouts. If I hit the target of being under 12 stone by June that'll be a good boost.
So, when the ground is properly free of ice and therefore safe to cycle on again, the aim is to build up to the following weekly schedule by mid-February and then just increase the intensity and/or duration of each activity:
Physical:
2 Taiji classes plus 2-3 personal practice sessions of 20+ minutes
2-3 calisthenics workouts
1 bike ride of 60+ minutes
Stretch after every workout (ideally aiming to be able to sit cross-legged comfortably)
Maintain diet, apart from 1 day a month of complete 'freedom'
Intellectual:
Languages: 2+ hours of learning/practice each week (In descending order that will be French, Greek, Mandarin, Japanese. The Mandarin & Japanese will cross over with Kanji practice) and yes I am allowing a cheat: watching a foreign-language film will count as one of those two hours.
Writing: add more to this blog and see what else I can do in terms of articles/essays.
Handwriting: work on my usual handwriting and also learn/practice more kanji
Reading: continue working through book list.
Technology: Make further progress with Apple software, learn to touch-type.
Emotional: use Sufi "evoke/observe/analyse" work as learned at Taiji.
Right, that's enough lofty ponciness for one blog entry. So far I've lost more weight than expected, kept up around 2/3 of the physical stuff, some of the intellectual and some of the emotional. I'll update progress as the year goes by. Finally, I REALLY need to get a new job so I can afford to start paying off my credit cards. I have a 3-month window in which to do this before the money situation gets very serious...
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Toulouse, to win, whatever
After several days of increasing stress levels caused by my patience being gradually eroded by my family during Christmas I got to Blagnac airport in Toulouse with over 90 minutes to spare before my flight home to the UK. A sandwich, 2 over-priced beers and many pages of Henry Rollins later I'd allowed my mind to wander, following my eyes as I observed some of my fellow travellers. A few sights brought thoughts that had to be written down in my notebook:
Overweight couple with 2 small kids. When I say overweight I don't mean muffin-tops, I mean weebles. When the bloke walks he looks like he's carrying a huge tray of jelly. How did he get it up? How did she get it wet? How did they manage to reproduce? Tweedledum and Tweedleohforfuckssakegoonadietyoufatcunt.
It's great how in France/Europe you get to be as eccentric as you like and no-one really cares. Anything from crazy to chic, oddball to classic, is ok. There's no obvious feeling of facade, veneer, show - no-one judges because most people are comfortable enough with who they are that they don't feel defensive in the face of eccentricity. (I then started an anti-English-insecurity rant with the words 'Fuck Eng...' but immediately thought of Show Of Hands and stopped)
I see the french girl leaning against her boyfriend using his laptop in the airport and straight away I'm wondering what it'd be like to have a sexy/stylish/eccentric/individual French girlfriend. I'm thinking of her even though I know it'll never happen, but I wish it would.
Overweight couple with 2 small kids. When I say overweight I don't mean muffin-tops, I mean weebles. When the bloke walks he looks like he's carrying a huge tray of jelly. How did he get it up? How did she get it wet? How did they manage to reproduce? Tweedledum and Tweedleohforfuckssakegoonadietyoufatcunt.
It's great how in France/Europe you get to be as eccentric as you like and no-one really cares. Anything from crazy to chic, oddball to classic, is ok. There's no obvious feeling of facade, veneer, show - no-one judges because most people are comfortable enough with who they are that they don't feel defensive in the face of eccentricity. (I then started an anti-English-insecurity rant with the words 'Fuck Eng...' but immediately thought of Show Of Hands and stopped)
I see the french girl leaning against her boyfriend using his laptop in the airport and straight away I'm wondering what it'd be like to have a sexy/stylish/eccentric/individual French girlfriend. I'm thinking of her even though I know it'll never happen, but I wish it would.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Drinking in The Source cafe in Carlisle
A few minutes ago when I decided to add this post I tried to think of a clever title but I can't manage it tonight, which will come as no surprise to a few of my ex-girlfriends...
Seriously though, I'm effectively 3 days into an 8-day Taiji seminar with one of the best Taiji practitioners on the planet and I'm already feeling the effects. A couple of weeks ago at my monthly acupuncture appointment the acupuncturist said the 4 months of unemployment have obviously been good for me as I've 'uncoiled' during that time. What the uncoiling means is that I've had some moments of ridiculous emotional release: when BT told me they couldn't move my phone number to the new place without sending an engineer round and charging me £125 for the privilege I sat around crying (yes, crying) and whining plaintively to myself, saying "What have I done?" regarding the momentary stupidity that ended my previous relationship and, therefore, my previous life. Of course, by the following day I'd resolved to find a way around BT and their anal-intrusive ways, and I did.
The 'uncoiling' has also meant I've somehow become a lot more comfortable with who I am and what I want from my life. During the few minutes after my stupid mistake, when my then girlfriend was screaming at me (it was justified - although it's not actually the truth, it did look as though I was trying to get another woman into bed, so I deserved the treatment I got at the end) she said "What do you fucking want?" Now that was anger, frustration and confusion erupting out of her and of course no answer was required at the time. That's good, because I don't know if I could have told her - I'm not sure if I really knew the answer or was just too scared to say it, but I wouldn't have said anything no matter what. Now I know exactly what I want and I'll tell anyone who listens. I want something that the vast majority of people would be unable to give, and almost all of them would refuse to admit that they wouldn't be able to give: I want to be accepted as I am. Think about the implications of that for a while and you'll see why most people wouldn't be up to it.
That means there's a chance I could be alone, i.e. not in a sexual & emotional relationship with a woman (sorry guys, I'm straight so my bedroom has a licence for only one penis: mine) for a long time. However, I'm actually so much more happy at the moment I really don't mind. This is probably a combination of the time I've had to unwind, the new experiences I've had, the few days I've spent practicing Taiji with a teacher so good even being in the same room as him improves your practice, the pleasant time I'm having in Carlisle and the bottle of wine I've guzzled this evening. Today was the 'break' in the Taiji seminar so tomorrow is the start of the remaining 5 days and therefore the start of the tougher, deeper and potentially more transformative work.
I spent today wandering through Carlisle in the rain and just enjoying the experience of being alive. I visited the Cathedral and the Castle but drew the line at paying £5.20 to visit the Museum & Art Gallery. I sat in a pub for nearly 2 hours enjoying the great jukebox (Metallica, Johnny Cash, Iron Maiden, QOTSA, Linkin Park) and my book (Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead") before walking down the road to a Costa Coffee and sitting in there for an hour too. Now I'm in the cafe 'attached' to the dojo/kwoon where the Taiji seminar is being held. I took advantage of the free practice period tonight and after about an hour's work I was pleased to see some of the effects of Patrick's teaching have stuck already so the first 3 days were obviously worthwhile. The remaining 5 days are going to be great, I just know it.
Anyway, the point was that I may be alone for a long time. Given my impotence the chance of my getting any occasional casual sex is pretty much nil unless the woman is happy for a bloke with a beard (yes, I like it and it's staying) to go down on her and do nowt else. At the moment the taste of a good woman, eventually followed by the sound of a good woman's orgasm, would be very welcome. I don't really expect it to happen and my days of strolling languidly through the rain-soaked and slightly pungent streets of Carlisle have reinforced a single idea: I don't care. Nothing is static, everything changes: even a corpse gradually rots away, so I don't think this feeling of solitary bliss will last for very long but while it's here I'm enjoying it.
I'm going to be pretentious and end on a quote from Rudyard Kipling:
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it you will be lonely often and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
No, I'm going to be even worse and end on a quote from Henry Rollins:
"Fuck all y'all."
Seriously though, I'm effectively 3 days into an 8-day Taiji seminar with one of the best Taiji practitioners on the planet and I'm already feeling the effects. A couple of weeks ago at my monthly acupuncture appointment the acupuncturist said the 4 months of unemployment have obviously been good for me as I've 'uncoiled' during that time. What the uncoiling means is that I've had some moments of ridiculous emotional release: when BT told me they couldn't move my phone number to the new place without sending an engineer round and charging me £125 for the privilege I sat around crying (yes, crying) and whining plaintively to myself, saying "What have I done?" regarding the momentary stupidity that ended my previous relationship and, therefore, my previous life. Of course, by the following day I'd resolved to find a way around BT and their anal-intrusive ways, and I did.
The 'uncoiling' has also meant I've somehow become a lot more comfortable with who I am and what I want from my life. During the few minutes after my stupid mistake, when my then girlfriend was screaming at me (it was justified - although it's not actually the truth, it did look as though I was trying to get another woman into bed, so I deserved the treatment I got at the end) she said "What do you fucking want?" Now that was anger, frustration and confusion erupting out of her and of course no answer was required at the time. That's good, because I don't know if I could have told her - I'm not sure if I really knew the answer or was just too scared to say it, but I wouldn't have said anything no matter what. Now I know exactly what I want and I'll tell anyone who listens. I want something that the vast majority of people would be unable to give, and almost all of them would refuse to admit that they wouldn't be able to give: I want to be accepted as I am. Think about the implications of that for a while and you'll see why most people wouldn't be up to it.
That means there's a chance I could be alone, i.e. not in a sexual & emotional relationship with a woman (sorry guys, I'm straight so my bedroom has a licence for only one penis: mine) for a long time. However, I'm actually so much more happy at the moment I really don't mind. This is probably a combination of the time I've had to unwind, the new experiences I've had, the few days I've spent practicing Taiji with a teacher so good even being in the same room as him improves your practice, the pleasant time I'm having in Carlisle and the bottle of wine I've guzzled this evening. Today was the 'break' in the Taiji seminar so tomorrow is the start of the remaining 5 days and therefore the start of the tougher, deeper and potentially more transformative work.
I spent today wandering through Carlisle in the rain and just enjoying the experience of being alive. I visited the Cathedral and the Castle but drew the line at paying £5.20 to visit the Museum & Art Gallery. I sat in a pub for nearly 2 hours enjoying the great jukebox (Metallica, Johnny Cash, Iron Maiden, QOTSA, Linkin Park) and my book (Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead") before walking down the road to a Costa Coffee and sitting in there for an hour too. Now I'm in the cafe 'attached' to the dojo/kwoon where the Taiji seminar is being held. I took advantage of the free practice period tonight and after about an hour's work I was pleased to see some of the effects of Patrick's teaching have stuck already so the first 3 days were obviously worthwhile. The remaining 5 days are going to be great, I just know it.
Anyway, the point was that I may be alone for a long time. Given my impotence the chance of my getting any occasional casual sex is pretty much nil unless the woman is happy for a bloke with a beard (yes, I like it and it's staying) to go down on her and do nowt else. At the moment the taste of a good woman, eventually followed by the sound of a good woman's orgasm, would be very welcome. I don't really expect it to happen and my days of strolling languidly through the rain-soaked and slightly pungent streets of Carlisle have reinforced a single idea: I don't care. Nothing is static, everything changes: even a corpse gradually rots away, so I don't think this feeling of solitary bliss will last for very long but while it's here I'm enjoying it.
I'm going to be pretentious and end on a quote from Rudyard Kipling:
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it you will be lonely often and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
No, I'm going to be even worse and end on a quote from Henry Rollins:
"Fuck all y'all."
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Roomie Nation
A few weeks ago I moved into a shared house, something I'd thought for a long while was a good idea in general but which was imposed upon me due to circumstances at the time rather than being the result of a conscious choice. While moving into the room which is now my home I came across a book I hadn't read for a few years and whose setting is perfectly apposite to my current situation.
The book is John Brunner's 1968 Sci-Fi masterpiece "Stand on Zanzibar" and the title of this entry is actually one of the book's chapter headings. The full story is too complicated to go into but there's an in-depth description on wikipedia for those who are interested. The reason the story relates to my current situation is that it's set in the early- to mid-21st Century and the Earth's population is 7+ billion people (not that far from our current 6.5 billion), causing overcrowding on a massive scale and therefore making house-sharing with strangers practically mandatory. I remember thinking when I first read the book that house-sharing was a good idea and now that I'm actually doing it I'm pleased to say that I was right but I'm well aware how lucky I've been.
I've heard a few minor horror stories about previous occupants here and other people's previous landlords and housemates. There's the usual melee of people who don't bother cleaning up after themselves even though the kitchen/bathrooms etc. are also used by 5 other people, and the folks who think that as the fridges are shared, some of the contents are also fair game. Of course there's always someone who has their music up loud at all times of the day and night with no thought of the effect it has on other people. Funnily enough, one of my current housemates called the council about a neighbour making a lot of noise through the night and that's when I learned that the house next door is actually several bedsits and the other occupants wanted the noisy one out too. One of the previous housemates here was a borderline basket-case and she got away with all sorts of nonsense because everyone else was scared of her - apparently she'd regularly get into fights with guys in town just because she felt like it. Our newest housemate said her previous landlord was the sort of person who'd buy the cheapest possible item for the house and then hurl verbal abuse at the tenants if the item was broken.
So given that this house is now full, the other 5 tenants are decent people and our landlord is a professional who's not just out to make a profit, I've been pretty lucky really. If there were more nice people who wanted to house-share and more landlords prepared to provide a decent environment for tenants, house-sharing would be much more popular and would go a long way to sorting out the ridiculous housing 'shortage' we have in the UK. Before I climb onto that particular soapbox, here's a bit more background information.
Apart from living with family my home life in chronological order is: a shared room in a student hall of residence, a student flat, a student house, a flat with my best friend, alone in my own flat, a house with 3 postgraduate students, alone in a rented a flat, a flat with a girlfriend and now a room in a shared house. Being a quiet, reserved, over-serious kind of guy who's not terribly gregarious I can honestly say that living on my own was the worst thing I ever did, both times. If you're out seeing friends a lot or have people visiting a lot then living on your own can be great but I've never been that sociable and ended up spending most of my time indoors alone watching films or reading while listening to music. None of that is wrong per se but it's incredibly easy to devolve into a Norman No-mates recluse who hasn't a clue how to interact with other people. The great thing about a shared house is you can hide away in your room if you want some privacy or you can hang around in the kitchen (there's no lounge in this house) and talk to whoever is there. One of the guys here put it in a nutshell: some days everyone's in their room, some days we're all in the kitchen all evening, talking, eating and drinking.
Soapbox time! I've just had a look on the national statistics website to get some information. The UK population mid-2006 was approximately 60.5 million people, a rise of 8% since 1971's total of 55.9 million. The number of households increased from 18.6 million in 1971 to 24.4 million in 2007. Note that we have around 4.5 million more people and 5.8 million more homes but there's still a shortage! Now, the number of people living alone doubled - 12% of households are single occupancy - that means there are 2.9 million households containing only 1 person. Speaking from personal experience and having known various people who've lived alone, having your own place can be an intensely lonely experience, yet around 3 million people are doing it! Here's another bit of info gleaned from t'internet: the government has commited to building 3 million new homes by 2020 to ensure there are enough places for everyone to live. Obviously there's no direct link between those stats but it makes you wonder.
Digression: A while ago there was a TV documentary made about the street the film-maker lived in. It highlighted how little people know their closest neighbours and how rife loneliness and melancholy is in the faceless grey streets of many British towns. It occurred to me then, even though I only caught the last 10 minutes of the documentary, that if you looked down the average street you could probably find at least two lonely people who'd love to spend time together just to have someone to talk to. In fact it's quite likely you could find two people who'd be compatible in a relationship and therefore be much better off even if all they did was occasionally have some mindless stress-relieving sex or go the platonic route and just sit around chatting. If only there was some way of getting them all together...
Anyway, the point is: why is there a housing shortage when we have more homes per person than ever before? Daily Mail readers will go on about immigrants, asylum seekers and other 'temporary' residents taking up space that should be reserved for us Brits. However, it's well-known that immigrants tend to live in smaller cheaper accommodation and house-share in relatively high numbers - anyone around in the 80's will remember the jokes about letting out your spare room to a Bengali family. So if it's not the influx of international immigrants, what is it?
Simple: the steadily rising affluence of the majority of the population, coupled with the ever-increasing displays of ostentation that are now such a large part of pop culture, has created a lifestyle-worshipping generation who crave ever more material wealth. In most countries, the most important display of wealth is in the choice of home or, for those with enough money, homes plural. Advertising and television love to make us believe that the 3 spare bedrooms, ensuite bathroom and acres of open-plan living space are luxuries accessible to everyone. Realistically it's only open to those with lots of money but, rather like the way the slew of reality TV shows has made half the population think they could be a celebrity, too many people now think a spacious designer home is within their grasp.
Let me ask a question: why do you want a huge house? Are you never going to leave it? Are you going to spend the rest of your life cocooned in comfortable surroundings decorated to the latest trend but never actually set foot outside? In an age when people spend more time txting and emailing 'facebook friends' than they do interacting with their real friends and family it really is time to reverse the trend. Or, more accurately, push through the current cultural cycle until it once again becomes fashionable to be sociable in person. Then people won't sit around talking or playing with mobile phones in cinemas because they'll recognise the fact that they're in a public place surrounded by other people and not just sat in their own lounge in front of the TV. Then people won't be so badly behaved when they're drunk because they'll empathise with everyone else and understand the impact of their behaviour on others. Then... oh forget it - just move into a shared house at least for a while and learn the value of tolerance, understanding, taking responsibility for your actions and proper communication.
PS If I'd said all that in a public place everyone would be looking for the bottle of cheap cider I'd been swigging from since breakfast and wishing they didn't let people like me back into the community so soon...
The book is John Brunner's 1968 Sci-Fi masterpiece "Stand on Zanzibar" and the title of this entry is actually one of the book's chapter headings. The full story is too complicated to go into but there's an in-depth description on wikipedia for those who are interested. The reason the story relates to my current situation is that it's set in the early- to mid-21st Century and the Earth's population is 7+ billion people (not that far from our current 6.5 billion), causing overcrowding on a massive scale and therefore making house-sharing with strangers practically mandatory. I remember thinking when I first read the book that house-sharing was a good idea and now that I'm actually doing it I'm pleased to say that I was right but I'm well aware how lucky I've been.
I've heard a few minor horror stories about previous occupants here and other people's previous landlords and housemates. There's the usual melee of people who don't bother cleaning up after themselves even though the kitchen/bathrooms etc. are also used by 5 other people, and the folks who think that as the fridges are shared, some of the contents are also fair game. Of course there's always someone who has their music up loud at all times of the day and night with no thought of the effect it has on other people. Funnily enough, one of my current housemates called the council about a neighbour making a lot of noise through the night and that's when I learned that the house next door is actually several bedsits and the other occupants wanted the noisy one out too. One of the previous housemates here was a borderline basket-case and she got away with all sorts of nonsense because everyone else was scared of her - apparently she'd regularly get into fights with guys in town just because she felt like it. Our newest housemate said her previous landlord was the sort of person who'd buy the cheapest possible item for the house and then hurl verbal abuse at the tenants if the item was broken.
So given that this house is now full, the other 5 tenants are decent people and our landlord is a professional who's not just out to make a profit, I've been pretty lucky really. If there were more nice people who wanted to house-share and more landlords prepared to provide a decent environment for tenants, house-sharing would be much more popular and would go a long way to sorting out the ridiculous housing 'shortage' we have in the UK. Before I climb onto that particular soapbox, here's a bit more background information.
Apart from living with family my home life in chronological order is: a shared room in a student hall of residence, a student flat, a student house, a flat with my best friend, alone in my own flat, a house with 3 postgraduate students, alone in a rented a flat, a flat with a girlfriend and now a room in a shared house. Being a quiet, reserved, over-serious kind of guy who's not terribly gregarious I can honestly say that living on my own was the worst thing I ever did, both times. If you're out seeing friends a lot or have people visiting a lot then living on your own can be great but I've never been that sociable and ended up spending most of my time indoors alone watching films or reading while listening to music. None of that is wrong per se but it's incredibly easy to devolve into a Norman No-mates recluse who hasn't a clue how to interact with other people. The great thing about a shared house is you can hide away in your room if you want some privacy or you can hang around in the kitchen (there's no lounge in this house) and talk to whoever is there. One of the guys here put it in a nutshell: some days everyone's in their room, some days we're all in the kitchen all evening, talking, eating and drinking.
Soapbox time! I've just had a look on the national statistics website to get some information. The UK population mid-2006 was approximately 60.5 million people, a rise of 8% since 1971's total of 55.9 million. The number of households increased from 18.6 million in 1971 to 24.4 million in 2007. Note that we have around 4.5 million more people and 5.8 million more homes but there's still a shortage! Now, the number of people living alone doubled - 12% of households are single occupancy - that means there are 2.9 million households containing only 1 person. Speaking from personal experience and having known various people who've lived alone, having your own place can be an intensely lonely experience, yet around 3 million people are doing it! Here's another bit of info gleaned from t'internet: the government has commited to building 3 million new homes by 2020 to ensure there are enough places for everyone to live. Obviously there's no direct link between those stats but it makes you wonder.
Digression: A while ago there was a TV documentary made about the street the film-maker lived in. It highlighted how little people know their closest neighbours and how rife loneliness and melancholy is in the faceless grey streets of many British towns. It occurred to me then, even though I only caught the last 10 minutes of the documentary, that if you looked down the average street you could probably find at least two lonely people who'd love to spend time together just to have someone to talk to. In fact it's quite likely you could find two people who'd be compatible in a relationship and therefore be much better off even if all they did was occasionally have some mindless stress-relieving sex or go the platonic route and just sit around chatting. If only there was some way of getting them all together...
Anyway, the point is: why is there a housing shortage when we have more homes per person than ever before? Daily Mail readers will go on about immigrants, asylum seekers and other 'temporary' residents taking up space that should be reserved for us Brits. However, it's well-known that immigrants tend to live in smaller cheaper accommodation and house-share in relatively high numbers - anyone around in the 80's will remember the jokes about letting out your spare room to a Bengali family. So if it's not the influx of international immigrants, what is it?
Simple: the steadily rising affluence of the majority of the population, coupled with the ever-increasing displays of ostentation that are now such a large part of pop culture, has created a lifestyle-worshipping generation who crave ever more material wealth. In most countries, the most important display of wealth is in the choice of home or, for those with enough money, homes plural. Advertising and television love to make us believe that the 3 spare bedrooms, ensuite bathroom and acres of open-plan living space are luxuries accessible to everyone. Realistically it's only open to those with lots of money but, rather like the way the slew of reality TV shows has made half the population think they could be a celebrity, too many people now think a spacious designer home is within their grasp.
Let me ask a question: why do you want a huge house? Are you never going to leave it? Are you going to spend the rest of your life cocooned in comfortable surroundings decorated to the latest trend but never actually set foot outside? In an age when people spend more time txting and emailing 'facebook friends' than they do interacting with their real friends and family it really is time to reverse the trend. Or, more accurately, push through the current cultural cycle until it once again becomes fashionable to be sociable in person. Then people won't sit around talking or playing with mobile phones in cinemas because they'll recognise the fact that they're in a public place surrounded by other people and not just sat in their own lounge in front of the TV. Then people won't be so badly behaved when they're drunk because they'll empathise with everyone else and understand the impact of their behaviour on others. Then... oh forget it - just move into a shared house at least for a while and learn the value of tolerance, understanding, taking responsibility for your actions and proper communication.
PS If I'd said all that in a public place everyone would be looking for the bottle of cheap cider I'd been swigging from since breakfast and wishing they didn't let people like me back into the community so soon...
Monday, 4 August 2008
Progress checkpoint #2
It occurred to me the other day that my list of goals stated in January had two sets that included time limits and I just crossed another deadline so it's time for a review.
My two targets for March were both missed but not by too much. Now it's obvious that both of my targets for July have also been missed: I haven't found a new job (even though I left the old one!) and I haven't participated in a mountain-bike race. Naturally, I am job-hunting and I would much rather be working than be unemployed but as far as the bike-racing goes I couldn't care less. I've been riding the bike more often over the last few weeks, I've been to places I've never seen before and I've revisited places I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I've also done a PB on my 'usual' circuit: I thought it was 19 miles but it's actually 18.5 miles, even so, the 63 minutes I took to get around it last Tuesday still counts as a best time and it does look as though I may well beat the hour at some point this year.
As for the rest: as I have photographs on a commercial website and in the Autumn a couple of travel articles will be published on the internet I think that particular goal will be in the bag. I also have another article, based on my lap-dancing blog entry from July, which has been sent to a couple of magazines. Who knows what'll happen there but we'll see.
I'm about to make a start on revising my French so that I can get from Toulouse airport to Carcassonne without any hassle when I go to Mum's at Christmas, which means I ought to meet that goal too by the end of the year.
My Taiji practice is still up and down but that's the nature of the beast. I think this weekend's camp and next months 8-day workshop will be a big help and at the very least provide the motivation to maintain a good level of practice over the summer break rather than letting things slide as usual. In Patrick Kelly's book (Infinite Dao) he mentions a turning point in the training where the desire to train comes from within the body, so rather than having to make yourself go through with your personal practice, it's something the body tells you it needs, rather like feeling hungry or sleepy. If I keep going I should reach that point some time in the next few months to a year and that will be a very welcome experience indeed.
As to the energy levels, they're still up and down but getting better. I think the more regular cycling is helping, as is the fact I'm not in a job I can't stand. Let's hope whatever new job I get isn't quite so vampyric!
As a side note, I had been toying with the idea of taking the MA in Western Esotericism offered by the Uni - I don't have a regular social life so I do now have the time to complete the degree while working full time. However, as Lee quite rightly pointed out the other week, I can start that next year or the year after so there's no rush. I'm getting a little dubious about doing it at all because I don't know if studying the esoteric arts as an academic discipline will really suit me - I think practicing the arts would be better and as Taiji in its 'proper' form is an esoteric art I may just keep reading around the subject and seeing where the training takes me. Also, as I'll be a published writer in the autumn I may well get some freelance work coming in so it's more prudent for me to keep practicing the writing and photography so that the machine is oiled and ready to change up a gear if necessary.
Anyway, the basic aims for the rest of the year are to find a new job, keep working on the Taiji and fitness, do a few months of work on the French, by the end of the year make a start on revising the Japanese so that I'm up to scratch for next summer's planned trip to Japan, and hopefully get some writing and photography out there and actually get paid for it.
TTFN
My two targets for March were both missed but not by too much. Now it's obvious that both of my targets for July have also been missed: I haven't found a new job (even though I left the old one!) and I haven't participated in a mountain-bike race. Naturally, I am job-hunting and I would much rather be working than be unemployed but as far as the bike-racing goes I couldn't care less. I've been riding the bike more often over the last few weeks, I've been to places I've never seen before and I've revisited places I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I've also done a PB on my 'usual' circuit: I thought it was 19 miles but it's actually 18.5 miles, even so, the 63 minutes I took to get around it last Tuesday still counts as a best time and it does look as though I may well beat the hour at some point this year.
As for the rest: as I have photographs on a commercial website and in the Autumn a couple of travel articles will be published on the internet I think that particular goal will be in the bag. I also have another article, based on my lap-dancing blog entry from July, which has been sent to a couple of magazines. Who knows what'll happen there but we'll see.
I'm about to make a start on revising my French so that I can get from Toulouse airport to Carcassonne without any hassle when I go to Mum's at Christmas, which means I ought to meet that goal too by the end of the year.
My Taiji practice is still up and down but that's the nature of the beast. I think this weekend's camp and next months 8-day workshop will be a big help and at the very least provide the motivation to maintain a good level of practice over the summer break rather than letting things slide as usual. In Patrick Kelly's book (Infinite Dao) he mentions a turning point in the training where the desire to train comes from within the body, so rather than having to make yourself go through with your personal practice, it's something the body tells you it needs, rather like feeling hungry or sleepy. If I keep going I should reach that point some time in the next few months to a year and that will be a very welcome experience indeed.
As to the energy levels, they're still up and down but getting better. I think the more regular cycling is helping, as is the fact I'm not in a job I can't stand. Let's hope whatever new job I get isn't quite so vampyric!
As a side note, I had been toying with the idea of taking the MA in Western Esotericism offered by the Uni - I don't have a regular social life so I do now have the time to complete the degree while working full time. However, as Lee quite rightly pointed out the other week, I can start that next year or the year after so there's no rush. I'm getting a little dubious about doing it at all because I don't know if studying the esoteric arts as an academic discipline will really suit me - I think practicing the arts would be better and as Taiji in its 'proper' form is an esoteric art I may just keep reading around the subject and seeing where the training takes me. Also, as I'll be a published writer in the autumn I may well get some freelance work coming in so it's more prudent for me to keep practicing the writing and photography so that the machine is oiled and ready to change up a gear if necessary.
Anyway, the basic aims for the rest of the year are to find a new job, keep working on the Taiji and fitness, do a few months of work on the French, by the end of the year make a start on revising the Japanese so that I'm up to scratch for next summer's planned trip to Japan, and hopefully get some writing and photography out there and actually get paid for it.
TTFN
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